Mark Hanford
Ad 1: LSD/DSL
Before there were hipsters in Santa Cruz, there were (and are) hippies. When we introduced a brand new technology in 1999 — replacing good ol’ dialup with the new service called DSL — we had to find a way to explain it.
Here’s a script for an early DSL ad, written by the many-talented Mark Hanford, one of a handful of Cruzio employees at that time, who wrote and performed a lot of our ads in that era. He’s now our Chief Systems Engineer, but he was a pretty hilarious copywriter. Unfortunately we don’t seem to have audio, just the script:
Cruzio ‘LSD/DSL’ 60-second spot for KPIG.
(SP = Support Person)
(SD = Stoner Dude)(SFX of phone ringing, and someone picking up)
SP: Hello, Cruzio tech support.
SD: Yeah.. ummm… I heard that you were umm… selling drugs?
SP: What?!?
SD: Yeah, I heard you had acid!
SP: Uhh.. no…
SD: No really, a friend told me about the LSD you’re offering.
SP: LS… Oh, you mean DSL! It’s always on Internet access at several times the speed of 56k.
SD: Uh… did you say speed?!? I could use some of that!
SP: No, I’m not talking about drugs, I’m talking about a high speed connection!
SD: Yeah, that’s what I need… a connection!
SP: Let me explain… Cruzio is Santa Cruz county’s oldest and largest local Internet Service provider. We offer web hosting, e-commerce, dial-up access, and new always-on, high-speed DSL connections at competitive rates. We also have some of the friendliest (and most patient) tech support and sales people around.
SD: Look, I don’t think you get what I need. Umm… Let me talk to Dave…
Tagline: Cruzio is offering a two hundred dollar cash rebate to anyone who signs up for a year of DSL service, now through May 7th. Some restrictions apply. Please visit www.cruzio.com or call 459-6301 for details.
Ad 2: Sock Monkeys
And here’s another Mark Hanford ad, circa 2000, recorded with his partner, Barbara Diamond for our web design service and classes. Have a listen!
Ad 3: Three Little Pigs
Cruzio co-founder Peggy Dolgenos wrote ads, too. Here’s a script from a KPIG ad in 2002. Peggy always wanted to get the radio stations to use lots of sound effects in the ads:
> Sound of fiddle music playing a country tune.
> Sound of pigs squealing happily.
> Pig 2: It sure is snug here in your house of bricks, brother pig!
> Pig 3: (very stupid voice) Yeah, thanks for sharing this nice house after my straw house got blown away.
> Pig 1: (slowly and grandly) I take care of you, brother pigs.
> Pig 2: Now that the house is done, what else do we need?
> Pig 3: Big screen color TV!
> Pig 2: Waffle iron!
> (squealing)
> Pig 1: No! What we need is a good Internet connection.
> Pig 2: Brother Pig, you are always so smart.
> Pig 3: I know where to get an Internet connection made of straw!
> Pig 2: We can get one made of twigs!
> Pig 1: No straw, no twigs. For a very reasonable price we can get a connection with an excellent local company called Cruzio. It’s easy to use and very reliable. Cruzio has been around since 1989. They provide excellent service.
> Pig 3: (questioning) Cruzio????
> Pig 2: (enthusiastic) Cruzio!
> Pig 1: I’m ordering Cruzio service today.
> Pig 3: I stuck a bean up my nose, Brother Pig can you help me get it out?
> Pig 1: sighs.
> Fiddle music and pigs squealing again.
